


Thy Lips are Warm

by Pangeasexual



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Death, Eventual Smut, Graphic Violence, Multi, Reaper Lizzy au, Romance, Suicide, im a horrible person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 17:24:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10723854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pangeasexual/pseuds/Pangeasexual
Summary: Elizabeth knew that this was the only way she could become strong enough to save Ciel. She'd do anything to allow him to stay alive, even let herself die. But she never thought that she would be taken out by her own hand.Elizabeth will fight her way to achieving her goals with some help from her fellow reapers along the way.///A reaper! Lizzy au is a super cool idea and since there aren't really many fanfics of it I decided to make one. I hope y'all enjoy it!





	1. She knew what needed to be done

Life was agonizing. Elizabeth had learned that life wasn't easy, and it never would be. Sure, some people had life easier than others, but comparing didn't make it easier for anyone. Elizabeth learned that a heart can be easily fooled, that devastation relied purely on current circumstances and doesn't give heed to ones past, wealth, or race. So even if you had a perfectly loving family and enough wealth to buy any dress in London, you could still cry yourself to sleep most nights. And that's exactly what she did. 

She cried over the fact that her dear auntie, the woman who taught her how to live as a lady, had died. She cried about her seemingly inhuman strength and prowess at fencing, she'd never be a cute girl if she could cut down every man in London! She would cry about her weight, and how the hardness of her muscles contrasted so greatly with the softness of her smile. She'd cry about this, and that, and anything and everything that managed to worm its way deep enough into her heart. 

But mostly, she cried about her fiancée. She knew that his job was dangerous, and especially so for a frail 13 year old boy. She didn't know how, but she knew he was going to die soon. Maybe it was because she understood the true nature of his job or maybe it was just some sneaking suspicion, but she just knew. He had a butler, one that could perform amazing and seemingly impossible feats that would protect him. But, for some odd reason, she felt like she couldn't trust him. 

Elizabeth understood that she was much, much stronger than Ciel. She needed to protect him. Of course, she knew it was dangerous and she could get herself killed. But, quite frankly, she didn't care. All she wanted was to protect this boy, whom she loved more than anything in this world. He tried to push her away, and she cried for that too, but she promised herself that she'd never let anything happen to him. She wouldn't be able to bear it if he was hurt. 

She'd cry about Ciel's past, and her dear late uncle Vincent and aunt Rachel. And to make matters worse, Ciel had disappeared for a month. She knew not of what had happened to him back then, but she knew it must have been horrible. Elizabeth could only imagine the pain that Ciel felt in his heart. Elizabeth never wanted Ciel to leave her again. 

So, she cried. About her weakness and helplessness to save the ones she loved, and about how pathetic she was to cry. 

Elizabeth never cried in front of others. Well, she never really cried at least. Sure, she'd let her emotions get to her and tear up from time to time, but she'd never truly bear her anguish to another person. 

She didn't show most of her emotions to other people. Elizabeth didn't know when it started. When her smiles became forced and started to make her cheek muscles sore, and her laughter became nothing but a hollow noise to mask the constant screaming. Elizabeth's screaming, of course. Her subconscious desperately pleading for help through every strained syllable that fell on deaf ears. 

That's how she led her life, keeping up the same cheerful facade to never worry her loved ones. Elizabeth didn't want to be weak and uncute. So, day after day, she'd show her forced smiles and laugh her fake laughs. And she'd probably have to live this way for the rest of her life. 

It probably seems like a depressing situation, but Elizabeth didn't feel sad about it. Not until the quiet nights where her mind would remind her of every painful thought and memory she'd collected throughout her life. But, during the hours of light, she didn't feel the pain that lurked underneath the surface of her conscious. She barely felt any emotions at all, actually. During the day, she felt distant from everything. Almost like she was wading through water. Elizabeth felt like there was a constant cloud in her brain. She sometimes couldn't feel her breathing. She knew she was taking in gulps of oxygen, but she couldn't feel it enter her lungs. 

There was once instance, however, where she could feel. That was when she was with her beloved Ciel. It felt like the bubble that she was trapped in disappeared when she was around him. She could feel her breath quicken and the thumping in her chest. She loved it. She loved him. Elizabeth wished she could be around him forever. But, she knew, she'd never achieve that dream. She would never become his wife and remain by his side until she died. Because, he would die first. And it would be soon. 

This constant thought haunted her. It even seeped into her dreams, making them no longer a safe haven to escape to. 

Elizabeth slowly opened her eyes. She looked around dazedly and saw a familiar room that she'd often visited. The bright light that seemed to radiate off the pure white walls, despite there being no light source in the room. She slowly stood up and brushed off her nightgown. 

A young man stood in the other side of the room. He couldn't have been much older than twenty. A person in the peak of their life, who was free to do whatever he wanted. Someone that had their entire life ahead of them. Elizabeth tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She slowly sucked in a breath of air and sighed. She didn't want to go through this again. 

But Elizabeth didn't deserve sympathy. This was all her own doing. She didn't need to do any of this. But she had to, she needed to save Ciel. She didn't know how she knew this was the only way, it's not like anyone told her it was, but she just knew this was what she needed to do. 

Elizabeth turned her head to look at the pedestal standing next to her right hand. A small knife sat on a velvet cushion. She wrapped her fingers around the handle of the blade. The dagger felt comfortable in her hand, probably because she'd been through this process many times before. 

The dagger was quite sharp, which Elizabeth was glad for. A sharp blade would go pierce easier and less painfully. But, she knew, it would still be excruciatingly painful. She gripped the blade tightly and readied her feet. She focused on the man standing about eight yards in front of her. She tried not to look at his terrified expression, it'd only make his harder. 

Elizabeth let out a loud cry and bolted towards the man. He didn't move or make an effort to evade, but he was still whimpering and crying. She tried to pick up as much momentum as she could in such a short distance. She slammed the knife into the man's chest but slipped and fell on top of him. Elizabeth cried out, 'No, not again!' 

She yanked the dagger out of the mans body, earning a blood curdling cry from her victim. She didn't break through his ribs this time to reach his heart. She whispered a quick apology as she raised the knife in the air and swung it back down into the man's chest. She repeated her attacks multiple times to no avail. The man writhed and flailed under her. She choked out a cry and slammed the blade into his throat, finally feeling the man go limp. 

Tears streamed down her cheeks. 'It's done.' She thought. Elizabeth had thrown everything away, all to save her future husband. She was trash and she knew it. She should never have been born into this cruel world. 

Elizabeth felt her vision growing blurry. She embraced the cool darkness that overtook her and let herself fall to the floor. It was time to finally leave. 

Elizabeth opened her eyes to see wooden walls in front of her. 'No, no the dreams supposed to be over!' Her eyes widened in fear as she realized where she was. The Blue Stars luxury liner, The Campania. Tears streamed down her face, she had never wanted to see this place again. 

She felt a presence behind her and snapped around to look at it. It was Ciel. He looked terrified as he sat on the floor, crying out to her. He probably said something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, Elizabeth!" But she could barely hear it over the thumping in her ears. She reached out to him but couldn't move her legs. No sound reverberated from her throat as she tried to scream out to him. 

It was then that Elizabeth noticed the shadowy figure that loomed above him. She could not make out the features of his face, but she saw its wide grin. Elizabeth finally was able to scream out, "Let him go! Stop! No! Please, stop!" 

The figure showed no intent of sparing her fiancée and bent down to meet his face. It planted a small kiss on Ciel's forehead. Elizabeth saw him scream and writhe in agony as a bright light flew out of him and into the beasts mouth. It let out a dark chuckle as Elizabeth screamed at the top of her lungs. 

Elizabeth's legs finally started to work and she crawled her way to the one she held most dear. The figure slowly walked away, leaving Elizabeth to cradle Ciel's head in her lap. She stroked his cheek and muttered apologies as her tears fell on his face. She was useless, she couldn't protect him. 

She than saw a glint of light to her side. It was the dagger that she'd used to kill the man. Elizabeth smiled widely. She desperately grabbed hold of the dagger in both hands and raised it above her head. She had to pay for what she'd done to that man, and what better way to repent than to experience their pain firsthand. She swung down with all her might and drove the happy dagger into her chest. This time, impaling it directly in her heart. 

Elizabeth shot up in her bed. Beads of sweat streamed down her face as tears collected in her eyes. There was suddenly a strong ache in her stomach. Elizabeth bent over and gagged, clamping a hand over her mouth. She was thankful that she didn't vomit on her lap. 

After some deep breathing, Elizabeth managed to regain her composure. It had happened again. The same dream had haunted her peaceful nights for months. The raw emotions she felt after never dulled. Elizabeth doubted that she'd manage to get back to sleep tonight. 

She walked over to the old, wooden bookshelf at the corner of her room. She scanned the shelf, looking for a particular title. Once Elizabeth found the right book, she turned on the gas lamp that sat on her nightstand. She took a seat on the edge of her bed and opened the book to a page that she'd bookmarked. The chapter was about the Gods of Death, or Grim Reapers. She'd discovered this book by accident while searching for books on interpreting dreams. The small book just seemed to call to her, and she just couldn't resist buying it. She was never much into the occult, but this book had piqued her interest. 

It was worn down little book titled: An Illustrated Guide to Supernatural Entities. Elizabeth read through the entire chapter, despite having read it multiple times before. When she finally finished, she re-bookmarked the beginning page and left it on her nightstand. 

Elizabeth plopped down on her bed and sighed. If the book was true, the entire existence of reapers seemed so depressing. The concept felt so...cruel. She imagined a person in complete and utter agony. A person who possessed enough self hatred and contempt for their lives that they decided to end it all. 

Truthfully, it was a foolish action. But suicide was much, much deeper than most people understood. No...than most people chose to understand. Pain can drive people to do terrible things. Wounds of the mind don't heal normally, like a cut or bruise would. Sure, time would mask it. But it was a scab that never healed, just waiting to be reopened. You can't run from your own mind. 

That wasn't even the worst part of the existence of reapers. Some "merciful" god decided to force suffering people to witness death indefinitely until they've repented for their sins. Elizabeth thought it was terrible. An immortal entity knew nothing of the pain of this world. How could a perfect being understand the pain of underlings?

Elizabeth crawled under the covers of her bed. She supposed that the things in this book were probably just old wives tales. At least, Elizabeth hoped with all her heart that none of this was real, that such a loved god would not force so much extra pain on suffering people. 

One thing in the book really piqued Elizabeth's curiosity. She'd read that reapers possessed exemplar stamina, strength, and combat abilities. Elizabeth wondered the reason for Reapers to even need these abilities if all they did was collect souls. 

Elizabeth sighed and smushed her head into a soft pillow. She wanted to go back to sleep, she hated being alone when her thoughts got like this. 

Elizabeth's situation felt like quite the unique one. She was raised as a proper Englishwoman, and yet, she was born a genius swordsman. She excelled at creativity and arts. And though she had a talented mind, she had to keep it hidden from so many people.

Though the situation wasn't ideal, Elizabeth became accustomed to her facade. She even began to feel a strange sense of comfort within the invisible mask. She could keep all her problems a secret, and, eventually, she may even forget them herself. It was sad sometimes, knowing that no one had ever met the true you. But it allowed just enough room to reinvent yourself. To mold yourself into the perfect person. 

Perfection was a relative ideal, of course. You're never truly perfect. Someone may believe the perfect woman is confident and another may believe she is quiet. It was all subjective. Elizabeth understood this quite well, but she didn't need the approval of everyone. She had a person to mold herself for. A true love whom she only wished to protect. "True", she scoffed at the word. It was more of an unrequited love, a star gleaming in the sky that she could barely graze with the tips of her fingers. 

He was destined to leave her, she knew this quite well. Someday, some force will rip them apart from each other. 

They were the definition of star crossed lovers. 

And Elizabeth was just the scum of the earth. She knew she'd never be happy like this. And yet, she still fought tooth and nail for the toxic things that she wanted. That's just how love is when it's unrequited. 

All that she wanted was to make Ciel happy. She just wanted to see the smile on his face once more, for his demeanor to light up and his sapphire eyes to soften. They were always so cold...

She was always so cold. 

Elizabeth was still capable of selfishness, she couldn't rid herself of her humanity to become the rosy-cheeked doll she dreamt of being. She wanted Ciel to hold her and whisper sweet nothings into her ear about how much he loved her. She wanted to grow old with him and bear his children, she wanted her first kiss, and even to lay with him on their wedding night. She wanted to protect her beloved and keep him safe in her arms. She never wanted to let him go. 

But none of her dreams could ever come true. Elizabeth craved rest from the life she'd been given. 

All this stress, all this suffering, all the sadness that kept welling up within her heart. It was too much to bear. Sometimes, when she laid down to rest, she wished she wouldn't awake to this sad reality. 

Elizabeth knew it was selfish, she was truly the scum of the earth. 

Ah, but life goes on nonetheless. Year by year, month by month, day by day, minute by minute, and moment by excruciating moment. The depressing monotony of Elizabeth's everyday life would continue the same way it has since she was born. Everyday, she would try to find a way to save him. And everyday, she'd fail. 

Elizabeth was trapped in a vicious cycle of helplessness. No matter how powerful she was, it was never enough. She wanted a way to make some sort of a difference, some way to push fate to the side and shape her own life. If only such a way existed. 

But, it did exist and she was not oblivious to it. She knew that the solution laid directly beneath her nose. But, she was scared. Scared and selfish. Was protecting him really worth it if she was just ripped away from him after? 

Tomorrow, she turned 18. It was now, or never. Elizabeth was a selfish person. She'd throw away a precious gift only to save someone she loved. 

The scum of the earth. 

And she fell back asleep.


	2. Anxieties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, Zani here! Thanks for the kind comments and kudos I've received, I really appreciate it! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Also, I wrote Paula this way because that's how I believe she would truly be! Sort of a klutz, but still filled with wisdom. I imagine that Paula must have spent a lot of time with Lizzy and gave her tons of advice about the world, she had to get her emotional strength from somewhere! Anyways, enjoy!

Paula excitedly threw the door open and skipped into Her Lady's bedroom. She walked over to the curtains and pulled them open, letting the morning sunshine fill the room. 

"Lady Elizabeth! It's time to wake up, this is a special day!" Paula bounced on her feet as she spoke. 

Elizabeth slowly opened her eyes. "Just another minute Paula." She mumbled with half-lidded eyes. Elizabeth closed her eyes and nuzzled her head into the pillow. 

Paula jumped up and down out of frustration. "Lady Elizabeth, have you forgotten it is your birthday?" 

Those words caused Elizabeth's stomach to drop. She swallowed hard and tried to conceal her fears from her ever-loving maid. Today should be a happy day, was was turning 18 for christ's sake! She would become a true lady today and any other young girl in England would be rejoicing at the thought. But Elizabeth couldn't shake the feelings tugging at her heart. 

Today was a happy day. 

Be happy. 

Make it last. 

Elizabeth jumped out of bed, her sheets flew to the ground. She led out a squeal and hugged her maid. Paula smiled, she had always been at her Lady's side. She felt almost like a big sister to Elizabeth. Paula loved her for her joyous attitude and her loving heart, never once had her mistress been rude or overly demanding to Paula. And on top of that, despite Paula being nothing but a mere maid, Elizabeth regarded her as a friend. 

"Oh Paula! I'm so excited! Today my life is going to change!" Elizabeth pulled away from Paula and spun around. "Oh, I can't wait for my party! I want to make today magical!" 

Paula lovingly smiled. But then, she checked the grandfather clock against the wall. "Oh my! My lady it is nearly 8 o'clock! You're expected to arrive at the phantomhive manor at 9:30!"

Elizabeth began to feel anxious, "oh god, Paula! What shall I do if I'm late!"

"Don't worry my Lady! I will do everything in my power to keep you from being late! After all," Paula jokingly deepened her voice, "A maid who can't keep her Lady from being late isn't worth her salt, and I'm one hell of a maid!" Elizabeth laughed. Paula always knew how to cheer her up. This was an inside joke between her and the bouncing brunette, they'd noticed that Sebastian always repeated the same cheesy lines. The butler was a very strange person and his mannerisms and obsession with his "aesthetic" were hilarious to the girl's. 

"Oh lord Paula, if you keep joking like that I won't be able to look at Sebastian with a straight face anymore!" 

"That's the plan." Paula winked. They both burst out in giggles. 

Elizabeth then remembered the matter at hand, "Paula, you go ready the carriage and ask that it be ready in 40 minutes. That will give us plenty of time to ride to the phantomhive manor. I'll pack my clothing for my celebration and tomorrow as well as my makeup and curling tongs. Then come help me dress into my pre-party outfit." 

"Of course, my lady." She turned to walk out of the room and attend to the task she'd been assigned. 

"Oh, and Paula," the maid stopped to look at her mistress, "thank you. For everything." It was just above a whisper for Paula to hear. Elizabeth's ears turned red. She'd thanked Paula many times before, and yet, it felt so embarrassing. It was hard for elizabeth to express her feelings of sentiment with another person. Of course, Elizabeth did express emotions quite a lot; she always had the tendency to be a loud and brash girl. But she usually kept her real feelings locked inside a little box in her heart. 

Paula had apparently seen Elizabeth's discomfort. She could always see past the mask her mistress tried so dearly to wear. Elizabeth was looking at the ground near her feet, wondering if Paula thought elizabeth was clingy and unladylike. It was, after all, a taboo to express so much sentiment to a servant. But then, Paula stepped forward and wrapped her arms around the girl's body. Elizabeth was shocked at first, a maid was never supposed to be this personal with their master. But she quickly shook those thoughts away and reciprocated the hug. 

The maid finally pulled away, giving Elizabeth a tender smile. "My lady," she began, "I love serving you and I intend to take care of you until the ends of the earth." Paula truly was a big sister to elizabeth. "I must be going, we cannot afford to be late! I'll be back soon!" Paula ran off to complete Elizabeth's orders. 

Elizabeth was left with a somber smile on her face. She felt a sharp stab in her side and winced. Oh wait...that's just guilt. The reminder that every action will have consequences that will undoubtedly effect others. Elizabeth figured that she'd become quite familiar with this feeling soon enough. 

But she couldn't focus on that right now, all she needed to worry about in that moment was to make today the best damned day she's ever had. 

Elizabeth opened her walk-in closet door to reveal a MULTITUDE of beautifully designed dresses. She walked past the colorful array of fabrics, taking some fond looks at the favorites she'd miss. She reached the end of her closet where the dress she was meant to wear resided. Elizabeth ran her fingers through the silky fabrics. It was a truly gorgeous dress. 

The young marchioness remembered when Nina first showed it to her. She laughed at how her mother had gasped at the neckline. Then Nina went on and on about how we should be free to show our bodies. But, of course she'd say that, with breasts like those anyone'd want to flaunt them! She couldn't help but laugh at their bickering. Eventually, mother stood down after Elizabeth told her how much she'd love to have a beautiful, mature dress like that for my 18th birthday. The only condition was that elizabeth was to wear a sheer silver sash around her shoulders.

The dress was a beautiful pale lavender with intricate black and silver patterns under the bust, around the waist, and as satin roses at the base of the skirt. There was lovely black lace trimming and a sash around her waist, made of real silver (!), in a Pattern of rose bushes. The underskirt was purely silver, wavy chiffon. Her mother was shocked that Elizabeth would be wearing a backless and off-the-shoulder top, especially one that would show so much cleavage (not that Elizabeth thought she had much)! And the blonde could've sworn that her mother was about to faint when she tried on the dress. Nina nearly fainted too...but, for different reasons. Elizabeth thought she heard Nina murmuring about seeing the face of god (?). 

Regardless, Elizabeth would be stunning at her party. And Nina could not have been happier about her work being put to such good use (and she also did her fair share of teasing about how Ciel would probably want Elizabeth to move in immediately after seeing her at the party). 

Elizabeth grinned at that memory. It would certainly be a fond one. She dearly hoped that today would be fond as well. But if it was to be a happy memory, she had to be on time! The blonde swiftly grabbed the dress and the dress she would wear before the party, along with a nightgown. Before exiting, she turned to look at a gown in the corner of the room. It would be a shame to leave it...

She walked back into her room and laid the dresses atop her bed. Paula would be there any second with the bags and to help Elizabeth finish getting ready. In the mean time, Elizabeth started on doing her light makeup and pulled her golden tresses into a tight bun. She also curled the two free strips of hair that framed her face. 

Paula came in quickly after Elizabeth had readied her face. They grabbed everything and threw it into a case. Paula helped her into her corset and dress. Elizabeth picked out a couple lovely pairs of low-heeled shoes. And just like that, they were out the door. 

"G'mornin lady Elizabeth," the carriage driver tipped his hat, "you all ready to go?" 

Elizabeth grinned back at the man, "Yes, we're headed to the Phantomhive estate. As quick as you can, please! We're in a bit of a hurry." 

"Of course, m'lady. I wouldn't want yah to be late for yer birthday." Elizabeth climbed into the carriage while Paula stowed the bags before following suit. The horses began trotting down the pathway, leaving an audible crunch of gravel and dirt with each step. 

\---

Elizabeth clutched at her heart for the entire carriage ride. She felt sick with a mixture of anticipation, exhilaration, and nervousness battling in her stomach. The bumpiness of the ride didn't help whatsoever. She stared outside through the window. The trees and bushes looked fuzzy at the edges as they moved swiftly out of her peripheral vision. It was a good enough distraction for the duration of the ride. 

The clomping of the horses slowed as the carriage pulled into a stop. Paula rested a hand on Elizabeth knee and gave it a light squeeze, which helped to calm the marchioness greatly. The carriage door was opened, lighting up the inside with rays of bright sunlight. 

Sebastian stood in the doorway, ready to help them out of the carriage. Elizabeth allowed him to take her hand and help her down the steps, as was proper of a butler. But Elizabeth couldn't help but feel like the crimson-eyed butler was staring daggers into her, behind that smile that felt blatantly fake to the young girl. Of course she'd know what a forced smile looked like, she wears that façade nearly every day. 

Each step of her shoes hitting the stair-steps, leading to the entrance of the manor, felt like deafening gunshots. Elizabeth felt her stomach in knots, she resisted the urge to clutch at it and kept her chin up high. 

The front doors slowly opened as Elizabeth readied a wide smile, "Hello Ci-" Emerald eyes scanned the entrance room to the manor to no avail, her fiancée was no where in sight. 

"I apologize for the lack of warning, lady Elizabeth," Sebastian began, "the young master requested that he not see you until the party. He said that he was to only lay his first glance on you, as a true lady, during your birthday celebration." 

Elizabeth couldn't help but grin. "How unexpectedly romantic of Ciel," Elizabeth glowed with newfound confidence, "it's no problem at all, Sebastian! Please lead us to my room to unpack." As the young women followed Sebastian up the stairs, Elizabeth couldn't help but smile the entire time. Maybe today really would be the best day she's ever had...

Immediately after Sebastian opened the door, Elizabeth dove headfirst onto the soft sheets. She'd been feeling quite drained from all the worries racing around in her brain. "Erm...Lady Elizabeth?" Sebastian raised a confused brow at the girls actions. 

"Ehrm trdd rhht nuw, ima rst ntil th prrty." Elizabeth mumbled, her mouth smothered with the sheets and already getting sleepy. 

"My lady, would it be rude to ask you to repeat that?" 

Elizabeth raised her head off the soft duvet, blood lightly rushing to her cheeks at what she'd just done. She'd been feeling so anxious that she forgot her manners! "I-uh, sorry! Where o' where have my manners gone! I'm just feeling quite drained from anxiety. I was going to rest until I need to prepare for the party." Elizabeth explained. 

The butler lightly chuckled, "It's no problem, my lady. Please quell your anxieties as much as need be. After all, it's quite a big day for you." Elizabeth smiled in return. 

Sebastian took his leave shortly after, leaving Elizabeth and Paula to unpack and chat. Suddenly, Elizabeth's mind started to wander. She began remembering all her past predicaments and thinking needlessly of the future. "Hey Paula, I'm becoming a lady today," she'd sufficiently grabbed Paula's attention, "I'll become a bride soon." Elizabeth exhaled tiredly. 

"My lady, have you become worried over your dreams coming true?" Paula's question was quite obviously rhetorical. Elizabeth understood full well that becoming a bride had been her dream since she was very young.

The blonde groaned. "Paula, you know that that isn't what has me worried." Elizabeth was slightly annoyed. 

"Then what is plaguing your mind?" The maid asked with a slightly worried gaze. 

Elizabeth sighed loudly, "I have no doubts that I'll be a beautiful bride, nor am I worried about not being a good wife. It's just..." the girl turned her gaze downward, "Paula, do you think Ciel loves me?" 

Paula breathed out in what sounded like relief. "You had me worried, my lady." She gave a light, comforting smile to the girl she's nurtured for over a decade. "I have no doubts that the young master Ciel loves you." 

"But how can you say that! He doesn't return my affections! It's like he's pushing me away, no, it's obvious that he's pushing me away! He's afraid of moving on from his past turmoils and focusing on the future, our future." Elizabeth tried to keep the tears from escaping her waterline. "I miss him, Paula. I want my Ciel to come back to me." 

Paula allowed to let the nightgown she'd been folding fall to her lap. "Lady Elizabeth, you know that things can't be the same as they used to be."

Elizabeth's brow twitched in irritation, "Paula, I know that better than anybody! Ciel has been broken, I know this well. His heart has been scarred and burned and frozen cold as ice, but I love it nonetheless. I would follow him into any hells that he's imposed onto himself, and I'd try with all my might to lead him back into the light that he belongs in. I love him more than any worthless, worldly possession." The girl felt breathless, but she continued on regardless. "I've loved him all my life and I've accepted the person he has become. I love Ciel as he is and I cherish any moment I get with him. But that doesn't mean my thoughts can't occasionally be selfish! Of course, I'd want him to return to the cheery Ciel I grew up with. I just wish he'd at least show me some affection! He feels so distant." 

With another light sigh, Paula slowly and steadily walked to her lady and enveloped Elizabeth in a warm embrace. Elizabeth didn't fight the tears this time, the droplets stained her cheeks as they rolled down her face. 

Elizabeth reciprocated the hug. Wiping away the tears from her bleary eyes, she meekly began to speak, "He'll never love me, Paula. Ciel will only grow to despise me more than he already does! I'll only be his wife for show, just a doll on display and an empty vessel for procreating!"

The young maid pulled away to look Elizabeth in the eyes. "My lady, why do you tell yourself these lies? You scorn yourself for feeling as a human should, there isn't anything wrong with the emotions you're experiencing. And, you don't know what the young lord is thinking. He is a reserved boy, his true feelings lay deep within the walls he's built around himself. But I've seen the way he looks at you, there is an unmistakable softness that forms in his eyes when he is with you. The signs aren't obvious, but I can clearly see that you have a connection with him that he shares with no other." 

Elizabeth tried to choke coherent words out of her sobs. "B-but he never spends time with me. All he seems to care about is his duties to the queen! Ciel will never care for me the same way I care about him."

Paula gave a small chuckle, confusing Elizabeth greatly. "My lady, my lamb, you're forgetting the most important part. You look to the past and cry about what could've been, and you look to the future and assume what will be. The only thing you need to focus on is the present. Your life isn't predetermined unless you allow it to be. You'll make decisions that will shape the paths of your existence, but you needn't worry about the hardships of the future. It's impossible to see the good in everything, but don't impose the bad on it either." 

Elizabeth buried her head into Paula's chest as she sobbed out all her biggest fears of the world and all her worries of the future. Paula just sat there and drank it all in. Elizabeth wondered how a young woman, a maid to a noble family, could possibly have grown so wise. The woman had a humble upbringing, sure, but the blonde was having a hard time grasping the reasons her maid could be like this. 

But then, a thought hit her: what if immense suffering and a life of hardships didn't give birth to wisdom? Adults had chastised Elizabeth many times when she'd voiced her thoughts on the world, they always claimed that she was only a young girl...

Many times had Elizabeth been referred to as 'the embodiment of the sun' for her cheerful and kind personality. If she was the sun, Paula must be the stars. Her mind filled with wisdom from every age. Her maid wasn't particularly smart, she was actually quite clumsy and ditzy. Plus, her wisdom was outmatched by her embarrassment; the soft-hearted woman only shed wisdom to Elizabeth in private. 

Elizabeth mumbled apologies and thank you's into Paula's chest. Paula stroked her hair and gave her comforting support. The humble maid loved her position with Elizabeth, it almost felt like she was family as well as a trusted confidant. Paula hoped that she could continue as the young lady's maid for the remainder of her time on earth. 

"My lady, you should rest for the time being. The party isn't for another couple hours, I'll come get you when it's time to get ready." Paula gently pulled out of the hug and walked out of the room, pulling the door closed with a soft click.


	3. Proclamation of love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING. Idk how to warn without spoiling but just bIG WARNING.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being such a lazy ass and not updating, I blame life stuff. Hopefully this long ass chapter will make up for it. The next one won't take nearly as long I swear. Btw comments fill me with motivation and fuel my writing tank so chapter may come out quicker ;););). Anyways enjoy!

Paula came for Elizabeth about an hour before the party began. The young lady was helped into her corset, gown, and bustle. A fan was placed in a small, hidden pocket by Elizabeth’s side. Formal parties like this could get dreadfully hot, and Elizabeth was not about to faint from heatstroke on her birthday. A bit of extra definition around the eyes and a tad more rouge was acceptable on such an occasion; however, the girls remained conscientious of the makeup. In this society, even something as simple as recognizable touch-ups could get you labeled as a whore. 

The lady and her maid could hear the roar of the party guests from the makeshift ballroom that was prepared for the celebration. It was just a large room that was mainly used for whenever Ciel is being tutored in fencing or dance. 

Of course, since this is Elizabeth we’re talking about, there needed to be a grand entrance. The doors would open to a beautiful young maiden, radiating the soft glow of youth, entering the ballroom and dazzling all who look upon her. Except, she didn’t really want all those people watching her. They were all expecting her to be perfect, but Elizabeth could think of just about a trillion ways she could fuck this up. This would certainly be a nerve-wracking endeavor for the young girl, but she managed to remain calm. The only person she needed to dazzle, was Ciel.

As they made their way to the double-door entrance, the birthday girl’s heart felt like it would explode out of her chest. She stopped to take a breath, feeling as if she was about to vomit. After a quick minute, Elizabeth held her head up and straightened her posture. A butler slowly opened the doors and Elizabeth stepped into the party. 

It was packed, to say the least. There was a ton of guests that looked her way at the loud creak of the doors. Sadly, it was common courtesy that Elizabeth greeted her guests. After a sharp intake of air, she spoke with a loud voice that could be heard at the other end of the room, "Thank you all for attending my 18th birthday celebration. Today, I shall enter the world as a true lady. I hope that I won't disappoint you!" It was deadly silent, if a hatpin had been dropped, it could’ve been heard from across the ballroom. "Please enjoy yourselves as we celebrate my entrance into real English society!”

There was a brief period of loud chirps and cheers around the room before the guests resumed their previous conversations. Elizabeth found herself conversing with peers and strangers alike, all wishing her a happy birthday. Then, there it was again. The familiar bubble encased her heart as she emptily recited scripted party jargon.

Elizabeth could no longer hear the noise of the party. And yet, words were still flowing from her lips, all perfectly timed and landing in the correct context. She paid no real heed to the gossip, rumors, and life experiences that were blatantly fake. All outside stimulus felt numb to her, she just smiled and laughed like a proper lady should. 

A shock ran through Elizabeth’s shoulder as a hand gave it a gentle squeeze. She felt the protective bubble begin to dissipate as she turned to face the boy whom she held so dearly in her heart. She breathed in excitedly, her eyes glimmering at the sight if her fiancé. 

He dressed in a dark grey, three-piece suit with a white lily tucked in his coat pocket. The child from her youth had changed drastically over the years. His once-rounded face became slimmer, revealing a soft, yet well-defined jawline. His features had remained quite feminine, however, they seemed to suit him perfectly. His large, thick-lashed cerulean eyes remained as he aged, something that Elizabeth was damn thankful for. He was skinny as ever, but that was nothing that a well-trimmed suite couldn’t fix. The couple reached about the same height now (still relatively tall, mind you), which of course meant that Elizabeth still donned her childish, low-heeled shoes. 

In short, Ciel Phantomhive was damn fine.

The same went for Elizabeth, Ciel had most certainly noticed her beauty that evening. Her dress was absolutely gorgeous and complemented her body perfectly. She'd definitely grown up since they were young, and Ciel had been watching ALL the ways she grew. Golden hair cascaded down her back in large curls and she wore an intricate half-updo that was held up with a silver lily pin. The emeralds in her eyes shimmered exultantly, almost as if she'd won something that day. Elizabeth radiated sunlight, but those rays belonged solely to him. She'd reserved a special type of happiness that was only allowed to be shown to Ciel, and he felt like the luckiest man in England for it. 

Elizabeth grasped him in a firm, but not overly-excessive hug. She gleefully greeted him with a sweet smile. “Ciel,” she began, “I’m so happy to finally see you, I’ve been waiting all day!” Elizabeth playfully pouted, “How dare you keep your lady waiting on her birthday!” 

“How right you are, my dear. How about make up for it with a dance?” Ciel extended his hand for her to take, and Elizabeth more than happily accepted. He led her onto the dance floor, where a Viennese waltz was just beginning.

The crowd of dancers parted like the red sea to make way for the young couple. A young lady’s first dance is quite important, similar to the way a first kiss was treated. Soon enough, the whole dance floor belonged to them. “I think they're all watching, Lizzy...” Ciel pointed out nervously. One simple dance should be easy enough, there's really no need to do anything fancy. The song will be over in a few minutes and the crowd would clap for the young couple. 

Elizabeth giggled, she bit back the urge to remind him that he invited her to dance. He always tries to act calm and cool for her, undoubtedly to impress his fiancée. But, things don’t seem to work out that easy for him. But his expression was just too cute! His flushed, red face and quick moving eyes; Elizabeth couldn’t resist provoking him just a tad. “Shall we give them a show?” The young lady noticed the slight twitch of anxiety residing upon the Earls typically calm countenance, grinning slightly in triumph. “If you're not feeling up to it, we don't need to try to impress anyone. I remember that your dancing used to be dreadful. But it'd be awfully boring if we just waltzed like a normal couple! After all, I'd say we were the opposite of normal.”

“I suppose so…well I'm not very familiar with any advanced techniques…” 

Elizabeth gave him a warm smile that sent shivers down Ciel's spine. “Do you trust me?” 

Ciel had to admit, he wasn't expecting a question like that. He let out a tiny gasp, “Lizzy, of course I trust you. I'd trust you until the end of time!” Elizabeth giggled at his sweet response, resulting in a light blush dusting across her cheeks. The tiny Earl’s ears were burning at his statement of what should have stayed inside his thoughts. Try as he might, he couldn’t return to his ever-present calm and collected demeanor.

“Then let me lead for just a bit.” Ciel nodded his head ever so slightly. They began at a slow natural turn, mindful of the 180 beats per minute tempo. “Do you know this song?” Elizabeth questioned. She didn’t want to push him too much if he didn’t even know what to expect. 

Ciel tensely cleared his throat, “I do, Die Romantiker.” The song was quite popular for this style of waltz. “For the record, I do know how to dance. Sebastian forces me to learn every week. He also decided to teach me himself since he doesn’t trust a tutor to teach me to his strict standards.” Ciel grimaced at the thought of his horrendous dancing lessons. 

“Knowing how to dance and knowing how to dance well are quite different, but I’ll trust your judgement. I trust you’ve learned American style steps and figures.”

Ciel’s eyes widened, “I do know the steps, but the waltz is already heavily criticized as it is!”

“You know for a fact that Queen Victoria loves dancing the waltz, and she’s quite proficient at it. Plus, you said you would trust me! I’ll be helping you every step of the way.” Ciel lowered his gaze in defeat, to which Elizabeth gave a huge smile. “Alright then. First, we’ll start with a progressive change into a reverse turn and back, got it?” 

Elizabeth hardly waited for a reply as she shifted her footwork. Ciel wasn’t having too much trouble so far, but his feet were still notably less graceful than that of his partner’s. Elizabeth acted as Ciel’s quiet metronome, helping to solidify the tempo of his feet. 

“Okay, now comes the fun part!” Elizabeth excitedly whispered. She led him into promenade position and moved into side whisks. Elizabeth had been whispering each new move and position, but Ciel was still struggling to replicate the steps of her feet. 

Ciel’s head swam as the song progressed. Every turn, step, hesitation, and god knows what were lost on him. It was only when the couple eased into a fleckerl that the boy managed to take a glimpse at his fiancée. The moment his eyes landed on her, however, he was completely entranced. He couldn’t remove his gaze from her moving figure. All that his mind could process was the sheen of Elizabeth’s skin and the golden waterfall that flowed down her shoulders. He met her emerald eyes, so full of light and happiness that the devil himself would shy away. The dance had just gotten thousands of times more enjoyable. 

Finally, the young dancers could slow to a halt and walk back into the crowd of bustling guests. Once they found Elizabeth’s family, Edward bombarded Ciel with insults and glares. Other party-goers gave them compliments and small conversation until resuming whatever they’d been doing prior to the waltz, just as Ciel had predicted. 

The rest of the party was filled with laughter and idle chatter. Ciel and Elizabeth’s marriage was a popular subject that kept being brought up to the young couple. Both young adults would profusely blush; though one could barely speak about it and the other couldn’t stop. It was needless to say that they both enjoyed the celebration quite a bit. Even Sebastian had a good time teasing his young master, for he could hear every word that the couple had spoken while dancing ("Trusting her until the end of time, hm? I hadn't realized how devoted and dedicated my young master was." "Oh shut up, you bloody idiot!"). 

Soon enough, the stars began to shine in the darkened sky and guests began to bid farewell to the Lady of Midford. Elizabeth too felt herself becoming drowsy and suggested that she retire for the night.   
“Goodnight Elizabeth,” Ciel hesitated a moment, “I had a good time.” He tried his best to form a genuine smile on his lips. 

Elizabeth gladly returned his smile. After taking the first steps to her room, she stopped, almost as if contemplating something. She swiftly walked back to Ciel until they were only a hairs length apart, and, with just a hint of reluctance, she pressed her lips onto his. After a couple seconds of shock, Ciel returned the surprise kiss. It was a quick, chaste kiss that felt quite awkward for the couple. Elizabeth didn’t mind the clumsy way their lips had connected, she’d held her first kiss for 18 years, it felt like the right time to give it to the boy she loved. 

They broke away but remained in close proximity. Ciel’s breathing was shaky and his face was about as red as it could be, butterflies were dancing uncomfortably in his stomach. Elizabeth pressed her warm forehead to his and spoke, “I love you, Ciel Phantomhive. I love you so much that neither heaven nor hell could ever comprehend. And I always will, even when the world withers away with our bodies, and sun's flames cease to produce their warm light and the moon crumbles into dust.” Elizabeth stepped back, leaving the breathless earl to process what had just happened. “I’m afraid it’s time that I retreat to bed, I pray that you have nothing but lovely dreams.” She turned on her heel and exited through the doors, with Paula following close behind. 

The second the doors closed, Paula and Elizabeth began jumping and squealing. “I can’t believe that I finally had my first kiss! Oh Paula, I’m so happy that I could burst!” 

“What a wonderful day this has been! Did you see the look on Master Ciel’s face? He looked so shocked and yet so undeniably in love, I told you that he’d always had the same feelings for you!” Paula clapped her hands in joy. 

Elizabeth giggled, “I should have believed you, Paula; you always seem to be right in these situations! And yes, this has been a wonderful day indeed. So much so that I’d go so far as to say that it’s been the best day I’ve had in all the years I’ve lived!” The girls wrapped each other in a tight hug. 

Paula and Elizabeth continued laughing and chatting for no less than a quarter of an hour before walking to the Phantomhive guest room. Elizabeth turned to Paula before entering the room, “I’d like for you to take the rest of the night off. It’s late enough as it is and you should sleep well on such a wonderful day.” 

Paula smiled at her young mistress. “Thank you, Lady Elizabeth, for your kind offer. But if the young Master Ciel even comes near this door, I will be here in an instant.” Paula (half)jokingly threatened. Elizabeth’s eyes widened and her cheeks burned red. 

“P-Paula! Why would you even insinuate…How could you even…I can’t even believe!” 

“Oh I’m only teasing, my lady! Sort of…” 

“Paula!”

“Alright, alright! I’ll stop. Well, unless…” 

“I’m going to bed now bye!” Elizabeth ran through her door and loudly shut it. Not even a second later, Elizabeth re-opened her door and quickly gave her beloved maid a quick embrace before retreating back to her room. Paula was left chuckling at her lady’s antics and left to her own quarters. 

Elizabeth plopped down onto her bed in an attempt to calm the thoughts that Paula just had implanted into her brain. The girl waited until all noise had left the manor before rising from the soft bed and undressing. Elizabeth shed her dress and petticoats, layers of fabric and frill falling to her feet. She hesitated at her corset before deciding to remove it, it would only serve to make things more difficult. The girl stood in nothing but her underwear before swinging open the doors to her wardrobe. 

A white gown gracefully hung down amongst a few other dresses. Elizabeth pulled it down from its hanger and studied the cloth in her hands. The fabric was soft and plain, with only a few embellishments of lace on the bust and ends. She stepped in front of a floor length mirror to slip on the dress. It draped around her curves in a flattering manor and showed the tops of her breasts. The intricate lace had a floral pattern and there was a small satin ribbon around the waist. It really was a pretty gown. 

The girl retrieved the knife she’d hidden amongst her other things and held it in her hands. It had a comfortable weight and fit well in her hands, as if it was made for her to use. Elizabeth walked to the center of room and positioned the glinting blade on her neck. She’d prepared a belt ahead of time and placed it in between her teeth. 

Elizabeth reflected on her life, on all the choices she’d made up until this moment. She never thought that this would be the way her life would end. She always dreamt of growing old and having children who’d care for her until her last breath. Ever since she was a child herself, she’d wanted to become a beautiful bride that was worthy of marrying into the Phantomhive family.

Ciel…

That’s right, this was her whole reason for doing this. The boy she loved was condemned to a cruel, unforgiving fate. Elizabeth nearly cringed whenever she saw that look in his eye, accompanying his determination and hate. 

Acceptance. 

This hell, this promise of cruel demise, was made entirely of his own volition. Such a young boy throwing his life to the wind without caution, it made Elizabeth sick to her stomach. All she’d ever wanted in life was to be able to protect him, to love and be loved. But protecting a man with no will to live was undoubtedly the most frustrating experience imaginable. How could he so easily abandon his own life for one of danger and certain death? How could he so easily abandon all the people who cared for him? How could he so easily abandon me… 

Elizabeth shook those thoughts out of her head. Her hands shivered, making the blade twitch against her pulse. She tried to steady herself, which was proving to be quite the hard feat with her breath attempting to keep up with the intense pounding in her chest. The sounds reverberated into her ears and blocked out any clear thoughts Elizabeth had. Anxiety welled up in her throat as she tried to not think about all the possibilities lying in wait for her on the other side.

Protecting. I’m protecting him, my love, my ciel. Steady yourself, this is to protect him! I…I don’t want to cry anymore! The suffocation of living in this world is too much to bear, everything is hopeless for me! Someone who is so useless, who can’t fulfill her life’s wishes because she’s too weak…such a person doesn’t deserve to live in this world any longer! This is my duty, the only way to fulfill the aching in my heart. Elizabeth’s world was spinning and she began hyperventilating. It’s too fast! I can’t breathe, do I even breathe in the first place? Do I dare take breaths in this hapless world made only for the terribly strong and beautifully ignorant? What am I without my purpose? Who are you without a destination to complete your journey? I hate it, I hate this world! I want to escape so badly, I’ve felt like I was going mad ever since that dreadful month of black!

Quick, shallow breaths reformed into slow and deep ones. Elizabeth closed her eyes and tried to cease the spinning of the room around her. Any hesitation meant a sigh of defeat and more miserable, sleepless nights. 

I’ve craved this for so long…why am I so afraid?

The girl steadied her hand and focused on her purpose, the anger and contempt she felt for whoever—whatever—was so intent on hurting Ciel. He was her everything, they had no right to ruin her life like this; she wouldn’t let them! Elizabeth would not roll over and except fate, nor would she continue to fruitlessly cry into her pillows; she would grab the perpetrator by their collar and strangle them until the life drained from their eyes, she’d rip them apart and relish in their screams as a sign of victory. She needed to become stronger, and this was the only way; the only way to end her endless sorrows. 

A grunt escaped from clenched teeth, she couldn’t lose her nerve now! The sound of footsteps outside Elizabeth’s door woke her from her thoughts. She whipped her head around to face the only barrier between her and defeat. Panic rose in her throat and she could taste the bile that threatened to spill out. She held her breath and waited for the footsteps to leave. The sound of something glass being lifted from the marble table outside her room were met with the taps of shoes echoing down the hall, gradually fading into nothing. Elizabeth released the air she’d held in and sight in relief. How much time have I wasted? 

Elizabeth turned to face the balcony behind her, relieved at the sight of glowing flecks of white within a still-darkened sky. She'd heard the rumors from the other Phantomhive servants that Sebastian doesn’t sleep in favor of doing chores, but Elizabeth never thought that could be true! Every human needs sleep, even the abnormally hardworking ones. Abnormal…

Never mind that! Elizabeth needed to focus! This was her only chance and she was damn well going to take it! She had to hurry, or she’d get caught; everything would be ruined and she’d remain weak and she wouldn’t be able to protect Ciel and her life would be filled with nothing but agony and sorrow! All thoughts Elizabeth had were racing in a flurry of excitement. All that remained within her mind was unbridled passion and determination. She placed the belt in between her teeth, once again, and repositioned her dagger on the artery that she’d researched.

Yea, noise? Then I’ll be brief. 

She pressed the dagger firmly onto her pulse and, as quickly as she could, slashed it through her neck. The sharp blade most certainly sliced deep enough to be fatal and the waterfall of blood leaked out from the cut. The flow of necessity stained her white dress and ran down her torso, eventually seeping into the carpet below. 

Elizabeth’s eyes shot open and she chomped down onto the belt so hard that she was sure her teeth would shatter. She keeled over and screamed into the strip of leather, clamping her hand over her mouth to muffle the sounds. Her breaths came out sharp and ragged as they bit against her throat. The taste of iron washed heavily over her tongue and the flesh of her palm tore as she pierced it with her nails. 

It hurt. It hurt so motherfucking bad. She wanted, no, needed for it to be over. Elizabeth had read that a deep enough cut through the Carotid artery could kill someone in just a few minutes…but it wasn’t fast enough! Elizabeth cried into the belt, tears spilling out of her eyes as she wished she would bleed out sooner. And, she realized, the only way to bleed out quicker was to spill more blood. 

The knife was raised high into the air aimed directly at her chest. Elizabeth could feel the adrenaline surging through her, helping to numb the pain just enough to take action. Ribs were hard to break, and she prayed to whatever god existed that it’d be a clean cut through. She focused her mind once again. 

Oh happy dagger…

Elizabeth mustered up all the courage she had left and gripped the glinting tool in the air. 

This is thy sheath. 

She swung down with full force. The blade tore through all protective layers and penetrated deeply through her ribs. Elizabeth wailed into her makeshift gag when she heard the sickening cracks of snapping bones. She twisted the blade as far as she could, tearing through the sinews of muscles and flesh to allow the liquid to seep through the cut. 

In just a few moments, a haze descended upon the girl, so different from the familiar fog that followed her day to day. This one felt warm and comforting, and the pain of her wounds and of the world began to slip away as Elizabeth closed her eyes and fell backwards from her knees. 

There rust, and let me die. 

I’ll be back soon…Ciel…

\---

Ciel Phantomhive had halted his work for the night and retired to bed. Work, being not being able to focus on anything at all because of his fiancée. He snuggled comfortably under the covers and buried his head into a pillow. All he could think about was the softness of Elizabeth’s plush, pink lips. He couldn’t get the image of Elizabeth’s forehead firmly placed on his, and the words that she spoke, out of his head. 

‘I love you, Ciel Phantomhive. I love you so much that neither heaven nor hell could ever comprehend. And I always will, even when the world withers away with our bodies, and the sun's flames cease to produce its warm light and the moon crumbles into dust.’

Her voice felt like the sweet melody of songs unsung, of all the love she held for him that could never be properly expressed. The words penetrated deeply into his chest and cracked the icy exterior of his heart. He could only stand gaping in shock, focusing on the beautiful girl in front of him. Their skin had glistened with the sheen of heat and movement, and Elizabeth’s hair had flowed down her shoulders as molten gold. Her shining emeralds were filled with overflowing love and joy and relief. This picture of beauty would bring criminals to tears and drive the purest men to sin, and it belonged only to him. 

And by god if Elizabeth could bear her soul to him, he’d do the same! He’d reciprocate every one of the feelings she held for him with full force. He’d show her his dark, cracked heart and pray that she accepts him. He’s never felt such overwhelming amounts of love for another person, but he was going to push through the discomfort and tell Elizabeth exactly how he feels!

Tomorrow, He thought. Tomorrow I will reciprocate her feelings, and proclaim my love for my bride.


	4. How Low Can You Go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1 Corinthians 3:11-15 For no other foundation can any one lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. [12] Now if any one builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw – [13] each man's work will become manifest; for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done. [14] If the work which any man has built on the foundation survives, he will receive a reward. [15] If any man's work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himself will be saved, but only as through fire.

Falling, falling, falling. That’s all she can do. There is no surface, there is no feeling. Elizabeth is trapped in utter stillness, and yet, she still falls. Where she’s going, she doesn’t know. Frankly, she doesn’t care. All the energy in her body had disappeared along with the solid matter. Did she ever have energy in the first place? She thinks she does, but certainty had slipped away with her consciousness. She doesn’t see anything around her. Is she in darkness, or is she blind? She couldn’t tell that either. Frankly, she’s quite sick of this place. Is there even an end? 

Elizabeth suddenly snaps awake. It feels strange actually being on something, almost as if she’d been floating in water and has just stepped onto solid ground. Once her eyes adjust to the light, she begins to look around. Okay, what the hell? She’s in a room, a grey one. The ceiling, walls, and floor are all just grey. There’s some furniture around her, a plain chair and table. So far so good, it seems like a perfectly normal room. Except, the chair is on the wall and the table is right above her head. There’s also some…contraption right next to her. In the center lies a glass ball with what seems like a wire in it, and there’s five dull, wooden blades(?) evenly spaced around said ball. A couple of paintings are lying face down and scattered throughout the room. 

“Hello?” Elizabeth cautiously calls out, wondering if she’s alone here. Where is here, anyway? That’s when fear overtook the young blonde, there were no doors in the room. How did she get in? how will she get out? Thousands of questions fluttered through Elizabeth’s brain in terror. She sprung up, ignoring her pin-cushion legs from sitting for so long, and rammed herself into a wall. She pushed and shoved against the walls on her prison, noticing that the entire room was made of some strange, smooth plastic. The sleekness of the walls made it hard to get a grip while pushing, and her hands slipped when she applied any brute force to the obstacle. Panic, however, was enough to drive people to take on such fruitless endeavors. She scanned every part of the walls with her hands, knocking on every inch in the hopes that she’d find some hollow space or weakness within them. But, to the girl’s dismay, there was no such asthenia to be found. 

The burn of her muscles became too much to bear and she finally gave up on the walls. As she bent down to lean on her knees for support and panted for oxygen, her mother’s words began to echo in her mind. “Elizabeth, you mustn’t allow feelings to take hold of your mind, it will blind you from the true situation at hand. Think Elizabeth, I know that, despite how hard you try to hide it, you possess a clever and exceptional mind. I implore you to use it in difficult situations. After all, there isn’t another soul capable of deceiving a genius strategist and keen observer such as your fiancé for fourteen years.” The comment made Elizabeth hang her head in shame—the shame of not being a suitable wife to the Queen’s Watchdog. 

“Elizabeth raise your head this instant! A proper woman must look people in the eyes when engaged in a conversation.”   
“A proper woman is also meant to be weak and lovely.” Elizabeth snapped in frustration, immediately regretting her boorish comment. The Lady Frances only smirked in response. 

“No matter what propriety states, you must be able to protect yourself in a bad situation. Your life matters more than any social rule, and I don’t ever—and I mean ever—want you to even attempt to throw away your life carelessly.” The word ‘again’ silently, yet oh so thickly, hung in the air around them. A golden wire had been wrapped tightly within the gaze of the women, so tense that it could slice steel. 

The tension was broken when the Midford mother sighed and softened her countenance. There was a new soft-heartedness reflected in her eyes, accompanied by an air of anxiety. The firm and proper marchioness faded and left none but a worried mother terrified of losing her dear child. With wet eyes, Frances Midford suddenly wrapped her arms around her surprised daughter, dropping her epée in the process. “Please Elizabeth, I don’t want to lose you. Use your mind. Never forget yourself and your importance. Hold onto your strength and don’t give in, no matter how tempting it is, to a hardship. Even when it is too much to bear, you must survive; I need you here, your brother and father need you too—and Ciel is no exception. He is broken Elizabeth, I don’t know if he can make it through another loss.” The marchioness choked on a sob that she was desperately trying to hold in. her daughter’s eyes were impossibly wide, tear just barely peeking out as her stiff and unmoving body was enwrapped in the tight embrace. “My darling daughter, you must return to me—return to your family! So, I implore you—no, I beg you—to survive, to use your wits and strength to continue living. I love you more than any creature could comprehend. Please, oh god please, in the name of all those you hold dear, survive! Even when the world crumbles around you, or if ten thousand arrows fall at your feet, stand firm. Endure, Elizabeth! ENDURE!” 

Elizabeth snapped out of the memory. Why here? Why now? Why did she have to remember those words now? She’d forgotten them for four years, so why now? She viciously shook her head as a river of tears flowed from her obscured her vision. She clasped her hand around her mouth to muffle her sobs. I’m sorry mother, I’ve failed you. But I will return, I will return and save Ciel. I swear to you! 

As Elizabeth regained her composure, she straightened up and walked with a newfound resolve. Even if devils and gods stood in her way, even if the universe itself held against her, she’d remain. For she was Elizabeth Ethel Cordelia Midford, daughter of the Midford estate and the wife of the Queen’s Watchdog. There was nothing in existence that would stop her from protecting the one’s she loves. 

 

A sudden rumble trembled the ground beneath her. The room began to tilt and its walls cracked and fell to whatever world laid below. 

The entire room was falling apart, the seemingly impenetrable plastic was breaking apart like plywood. It was as if the room had been balanced on a spike, one small shift in weight made it tilt and rock back and forth. 

Well, the room didn’t matter at this point. What mattered was the fact that everything was crumbling around her and that death probably waited her below. Wait…she died already, right? Well, the situation was full of a heavy dose of irony, and Elizabeth did not appreciate that. 

The new steep incline forced Elizabeth onto the floor and she began to slide down the sleek floor. She scrambled forward to reach the upside-down fan and managed to grab one of its wooden blades. The remaining ruins of the room continued creaking and tilting at an agonizingly slow pace. The fan broke off its fixture, dropping Elizabeth a few feet as she hung on for dear life, now only held in place by the installed cables that had been snapping one by one. 

Finally, the entire flooring just crumbled around her, and gravity kind of fucked things over again, so Elizabeth and the fan began free-falling down, down, down.

 

There’s one moment in life, the only moment in life, that can truly be considered peaceful. The moment before your death. It’s wash of overwhelming calmness, the type that doesn’t exist in any other moment besides – that – one. Then there’s a different type of moment that you experience during death, where a moment is a billion years and a billion years is naught but a moment. There is no calm, there is no fear, it’s nothing; nothing but nothing. And that is your first moment of death. 

For Elizabeth, now, after her life but before her death, she is in neither moment. So where does that put Elizabeth, exactly? If she’s not nowhere, she has to be somewhere; but if that somewhere is not anywhere than where is the somewhere that isn’t nowhere but has to be somewhere but it isn’t anywhere to be found! She’s just there. How long? Why? For what purpose? Nobody knows, she’s just there. 

How low can you go?

 

Emerald eyes shot open, darting around wildly in search of possible danger. She heaved heavy breaths as her lungs tried to keep up with the insane pounding of her heart. Elizabeth’s right hand shot up to wipe her sweat-coated locks out of her eyes. She continued to gasp and heave, trying to suck much needed oxygen into her lungs. 

There was no way that had been a nightmare. It just couldn’t be possible, she remembered it so vividly! But, how is she sitting here, and not in a pile of flesh lumps amongst rubble?

The girl finally began to steady her heart and breathe normally. She turned her attention to her surroundings. More grey. Just grey slabs again; as well as some grey, grey, and more grey. There wasn’t any furniture, nor did it resemble an abstract-typical room. This silent, odorless world, what was its purpose? 

Elizabeth slowly rose to her feet, having a bit of trouble at first. There seemed to be a few exits, not necessarily doors, more like doorways.

Curious, she walked through one. She found a small slab-lined hallway(?) that made a sharp left turn. A strange pang of foreboding struck her stomach, and she tried to control her breathing. 

Taking small, reluctant steps, she turned to face the left exit. It seemed to lead…nowhere? Just another walkway with three other connecting paths. The puzzle pieces started clicking together in the swordswoman’s head, but she refused to acknowledge them, it was just too absurd. 

She took the path to her right, which lead to two split paths running left and right. Now, she started to freak out. Her breaths became shallower and her heart rate picked up. She swiftly walked down another path, then another, then another; all of which leading to more paths. 

She finally met a dead end and had to start backtracking, but, when she turned, she realized that she could no longer tell where she’d come from. Everything looked exactly the same in this strange world. 

The girl started to run, fueled on fear and adrenaline. She randomly chose path after path, seeking something—anything—that would prove her theory wrong. 

Finally, she keeled over in exhaustion from her sprinting. The realization finally sunk in. She had no idea the purpose of this god-forsaken place, but she knew where she was. 

She was trapped. Trapped in a maze. 

 

How long had she been here? She couldn’t remember, all she knew was that it had been many, many, days. Many days of plodding along through this twisted grey world, feeling the suffocation at every new dead end. 

Every night was worse. She’d find herself incredibly tired, barely able to take another step, so she lays down on the cool, grey concrete to rest. Sleep doesn’t find her, though. It was typical for her to lay restless and sobbing, crying out to return to the past. 

How ironic that happens to be, she though, that these feelings would persist even in death. She just couldn’t escape them, huh? It feels just like how it did when she was still alive. 

But, today was a bit different. By different, I mean really fucking different. 

She’d been trudging along the random paths—which she’d given up on choosing with reason—as per usual. Something caught her eye on the path, err, dead end to her left. 

It was red, and in any other circumstance, it would have been a joyous moment to have seen color once again. But joy was at the opposite side of her emotional spectrum and the furthest thing on her mind. 

It was blood. That was the red that caught her eye, that bold crimson hue that was impossible to not notice. 

And that blood belonged to her. 

It belonged to Elizabeth, Elizabeth realized. It wasn’t every day that you find a clone of yourself, especially if said clone is hanging limply from a cross. 

Elizabeth stared in confusion and terror, shivering madly. It was a downright disgusting scene; such gruesomeness could only have existed in a horror tale! But it was right before her eyes, and it made her vomit. 

The eyes of the crucified girl had been gouged out, the optical nerve hanging out from the socket. All her fingernails and toenails had been messily ripped off, exposing the purple-red flesh beneath them. Her arms had been stabbed by at least 5 knives to pin her to the cross, and even more lining her bare legs. There was a large and deep slot running from her vulva to the beginnings of her neck, in a similar manner to how if makes the first incision to gut an animal. Her knees were bent at odd angles and had been obviously broken, the same goes for her right collarbone and fingers. Blunt-force trauma was evident on multiple parts of her head, swelling deeply under her blood matted, golden locks of hair. Other bruises and slashes coated the entire body of the doppelgänger, making Elizabeth gag. 

The truly terrifying part was the two words painted a deep reddish brown above the cross. 

FALSE MARTYR 

Why? What sick joke was this? This couldn’t be her! She was standing here, not on that blasted thing! There…there was just no way! 

A disgusting, sickeningly wet slipping sound interrupted Elizabeth’s thoughts. She turned her head towards the cross to locate the source of the new noise. 

With a horrifying panic, she found that the noise came from the doppelgänger. The skin and flesh began to melt off its holdings. It was as if the entire limb, flesh and bone, had been made from congealed plastic that’d been placed too close to a flame. The entire body began to run, the knives barely holding it in now. It look like a doll that’d been attacked by a hairdryer, the body warped and melted and running down the cross. The body continued to deliquesce until it, with a sickening wet plop, finally popped of its confinements slammed onto the floor, Elizabeth cringing at the splat. 

She froze where she stood, for her feet refused to wade another step towards the abomination before her. Her stomach churned over and over until the risen bile in her throat finally burst free. She dove to her knees and wretched over, hacking and coughing out the contents of her stomach. It was like being drowned by your own body, she had no chance to breathe! She could only retch out the vomit that forced its way from her insides. 

Panting and gagging, she finally managed to catch her breath. She swallowed large gasps of air, thankful to end the feeling of suffocation.

“Mooaaahooouuuoooh, maoooooooooouh…”

The pile of melted flesh made itself known with a ghastly, piercing moan. Elizabeth snapped her head to see the…the creature beginning to move. It shook and bubbled, slowly coagulating into one being again. 

Elizabeth could only watch in horror as the other her took form. When it raised its head, it was Elizabeth’s face that was uncovered.

Oh dear, a doppelgänger story? What a terrible inconvenience, and a cliché one at that! The distinction of the girls, you’re wondering? Well, that’s a simply impossible question! 

You see, even if one was artificially created, neither of them were real. What makes you real, is the identity you hold for yourself, the name that is spoken without words, that you’ve nurtured and raised since you were just a babe.

And identity was something neither of them possess. So, one could say, theoretically, that though there were two Elizabeth’s, Elizabeth wasn’t there at all! How absolutely wild. 

The formerly crucified girl’s face showed agony and sorrow. “…p-puh-please...” she breathed out, a slim hand reaching out to Elizabeth for help. 

Elizabeth jumped back to her feet in surprise. It…was talking?! Was it asking for help? This…this thing was asking for help, in her voice, after having been crucified and melting onto the ground! And Elizabeth was just supposed to listen?! 

NononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononoNONO!

Things like this shouldn’t happen! They just don’t! You don’t just get “magically” transported into some twisted world of falling rooms and mazes and literally find yourself crucified! That’s mad! This world is insane!

Elizabeth took a step back, her back slamming on a wall that hadn’t been there before. With her escape cut-off, she felt awfully cramped. She’d somehow found herself sandwiched between a wall and herself. Her hair whipped wildly as she searched for an escape, her gaze shot to an object hanging on the wall to her right. It was—she cleared her bleary eyes, only now noticing that she was crying—she squinted hard…a knife. She blinked. Clearly, she wasn’t seeing right. But the object did not change, and she was desperate. The scraping, it was so painful to hear it…the girl was raking her fingers into the floor, which proved quite difficult without nails. She begged and pleaded with that…that…stolen voice! This was too much, Elizabeth couldn’t take it anymore! 

In one swift movement, Elizabeth had leapt to the wall and gripped the blade in both hands. She tried to form some defensive stance, but her shaking legs wouldn’t obey her commands. Okay…j-just—just remember mother’s teaching’s…m-mother…the lessons, oh lord what were they about?! All she could focus on was the beaten, bruised face of the wailing girl beneath her. 

 

Shit, shit, SHIT! Elizabeth’s time had run out. A shaky hand grabbed her ankle, causing her to wince from the enormous amount of pressure. “P-p-p—pleah—please,” It wheezed from exhaustion and gripped tighter, Elizabeth felt her skin being slashed from the jagged, half torn-off nails on its lacerated fingers. “Huh-help-p me…” 

That was it, Elizabeth couldn’t take this anymore. This torture, it was too much to bear. There was pounding in her chest and buzzing in her head, all while memories flashed within her mind. 

But then she remembered, her purpose…the vow she’d made of her own volition…why she needed to leave this maze and why she came here in the first place. The only reason she’d suffer this type of pain…him. She was doing all of this to save the one she loved most.

Her body felt like it’d been struck by lightning. Her heart raced at inhuman speeds as she began to shriek at the top of her lungs. In only a moment, she kicked the doppelgänger away and jumped on top of it. She raised the knife far above her head and rammed it down into the pseudo-Elizabeth’s chest. She wailed as she repeated the motion—each strike earning its own grotesque crack—with tears streaming down her cheeks. 

In the end, it’s chest was no longer punctured, but it had become a hollow, fleshy cavity filled with a jumble of lacerated organs and blood. Elizabeth finally managed to catch her breath and calm down. Tear-soaked emeralds scanned the body for any signs of life and Elizabeth closed her eyes and sighed when there was none. 

Her relief was short-lived, however, when she felt the gentle cupping of her right cheek. She froze, feeling the rough palms stroke her cheek. She slowly opened her eyes to see herself, covered in blood and bruises, and she spoke words that echoed through her very being and reverberated within her soul, “…Th-thah-thank-k-k you…” The doppelgänger let out the last of the air in its chest and went completely limp, it’s hand falling off Elizabeth’s cheek and onto the ground with a thud. 

Those words repeated over and over in Elizabeth’s mind and she looked down at its tarnished face. She began to wail and scream and sob because the pleas of her duplicate were pleas for death, and the horrible wish she’d just unwittingly carried out was her wish! She threw herself onto the ground screamed her throat hoarse for she had so many regrets, but fear had driven her into such an irreversible mindless act. 

Elizabeth felt dead, perhaps it was because she was dead, literally and metaphorically! Twice! That’s about two more times than any living human is supposed to experience! 

She cried until her tears ran dry and she became too tired to move from her spot on the floor. She replayed images of Ciel in her mind: the bear incident on his 13th birthday, him protecting her on the Campania, her protecting him on the Campania, Going shopping together, Easter… 

…his embrace after he’d miraculously returned from that month. 

These memories gave her the strength to rise to her feet and shuffle down first path she saw—at some point, the wall that’d blocked her exit had disappeared—the soles of her blood-soaked feet leaving tracks behind her, unmistakable proof of the sin she’d just committed. 

Only a few minutes later—in the room that housed pseudo-Elizabeth’s body—a blinding yellow flash, coming from some indiscernible source, sparked a fire of a bright blue hue. The conflagration spread rapidly, covering everything in a dancing inferno of azure flames. 

Marking the completion of the first of the three necessary tasks in the endeavor for redemption, the purifying fires of purgatory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah lol just when I thought I couldn't be a worse person...I write this. But this is going to end up pretty important to the plot (which is entirely au btw!). Sorry I was gone for so long...I really don't have a good excuse so I'll just leave it at: I'm terrible. Anyway, I hope y'all like this chapter! Thanks for reading~


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